the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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