you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
