I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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