I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
