Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
