I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
