just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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