is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
this hospital has no fireball
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
