We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
