Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
