you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Randomize
