Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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