if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
