alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Let's paint friendship bongs
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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