she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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