If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
