At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
