Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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