Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Randomize
