I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
