you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
