Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
