Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
