Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Randomize
