I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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