Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
