I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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