Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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