Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
