Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
