never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Please don't give away my fajitas
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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