mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
