She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
