I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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