haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
