Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
