My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
