Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Green mimosas i think yes
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Randomize
