Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
