Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
