you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
