Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
