I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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