happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
