The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
