I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
