1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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