HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
