textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
