I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Sober January is a disaster.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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